Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
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*opens crate of new handcuffs*
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*clin

I didn’t come here to be called names

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

HR said no more nunchucks.

I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

“love means never having to say you’re sorry”

“that is not what love means”

“sorry”

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

I’m all for the scientific method.

Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

I created you as mosquito food.