Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being

[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”