Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

kidnappers: get in the car

me: i want to sit in front

They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.

Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.

Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good