Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

*waits several days to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

*waits a week to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that

*waits a month to eat leftovers*

Wife: I was just going to eat that!

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.

Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Them: Don’t let someone live rent-free in your head.

Me: They’re right.

*sends invoices to all the jerks from my past that I keep thinking about*

Sounds about right. 😂🤣

Yup….perfect score!

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

carly rae jepsen: call me maybe
dads: ok maybe

My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*

Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”