Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.

If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life

ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”

I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’

FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.

ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site