Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

HER: I’m pansexual.

ME: Oh, cool.

*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*

Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes

Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.

Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

zombie kid: why am i being punished

zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

Her: Do you have any fantasies?

Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long

Her: No I meant like hot ones

Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time

He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever