Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.