Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
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My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
happy friday
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME