@AshleyGriffo_

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger

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@AaronFullerton

Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!

@CAshmanActor

[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter

@mmyattmyatt

The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs

@Kali_Mura

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

@Mr_Kapowski

You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did

@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

@TheToddWilliams

[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”