Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger

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Excited for Downton Abbey tonight. According to DVR description, “Lord Grantham gets pissy when a lady challenges the class system.” Oh boy!


[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter


The only occasions in which I will run:

– Zombie apocalypse

– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs


Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.


You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did


I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.


[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”

-Trumpsylvania, how about you?

“North Trumpkota”