@AshleyGriffo_

Your fingers have fingertips but your toes don’t have toetips, yet you can tiptoe but can’t tipfinger

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@ThisLocalHater

To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?

@KH0wes

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

@Sassafrantz

What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…

@215potter

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

@jtrulez

If your child builds a snow fort, by law, they have to move out and reside in it.

@existentialcoms

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

@ThatMummyLife

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

@Gupton68

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?