Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
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[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
These 3D printers are insane!
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!