Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.