Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Wake me when AI does housework
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner