Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
journal
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
The most accurate map ever devised.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies