Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
based al yankovic
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
