Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

the zen of frog

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

*pronounces fake like saké*

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠

I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”

The Real Housewives of Sesame Street

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.