“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.