My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
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People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free