Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
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Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Day 2 of my diet
Women: When
are you leaving?Men: In the morning.
W: Yeah but what time.
M: Morningtime.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
