Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Finally
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
The days of good grammer has went
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.