Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you breakdance you buy dance.

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

This is a true ally.

the last thing a carrot sees

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

[first date]

Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.

Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.

My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?

I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.

Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.

10 minutes later:

Me: So… I snore??

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.

Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.

Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.

Me: No, two of those are clean.