Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
🙄😏😂🤣
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
The struggle is real.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy