Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles