Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
You Might Also Like
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.