Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I was just discussing this with my cat
“Of course I’ve tried that!”
– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem