“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I don’t think my car can fly
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.