“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.