imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.