Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you