Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you