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@brandynwiththey: Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.
@WineMummy: Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
@ericsshadow: COP: don't worry sir, we'll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
@DiabloJodi: Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
@squirrel74wkgn: *walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE...
@LoveNLunchmeat: *sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*