Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.