@brandynwiththey: Your girlfriend isn't hallucinating man, she's actually seeing other people.
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@TheTweetOfGod: I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
@bridger_w: When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, "I'm actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case"
@PinkCamoTO: Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.