Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

I gave up going to work for lent.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen

Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan

Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.

911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?

Patient: I think so. I was asleep.

911: Any idea what set him off?

Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.

Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵

-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Mad Max: Furry Road

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.