Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
You Might Also Like
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?