Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

These aren’t even hard anymore.

For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.

they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo

“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”

~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

you’re so productive for your wage

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

I’m calling the cops.

[first day in the Coast Guard]

Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!

Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.

#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said

Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.