Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
You Might Also Like
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
every man in east london
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”