Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.

My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

yeah 😭

Not all heroes wear capes.

Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?

Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.