Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
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What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone