“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
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when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Overheard at the grocery store:
“Oh, I need a baguette.”
“A female bag?”
“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.