Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

the world’s most popular steaming services

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside

on a hike: I want to pet that bear

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

Why is my life so hard?!!

~Me, trying to open a jar .

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.

9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?

Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways

Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?

Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.