“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.