Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
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Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Does your wife know you’re single?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*