Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

roses are red
i fall when i skate

Bumping into someone you know more than once in the same supermarket visit…

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“We really must stop meeting like this!”

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

“Eat only when you’re hungry” OK but what if I eat because I feel like something inside of me is missing and there’s a non-zero chance that missing thing is 27 more oreos

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat

I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.

genie: hello-

me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”