Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
i love meeting boys on tinder
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
