Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours