Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
This forever.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.