Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
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me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Big Sex has us all fooled
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet