Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?

Asking for a friend.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I’m literally crying

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Chicago sounds lovely.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”