Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:

– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)

[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]

“Stop hurting that octopus!”

Holy crap this is wonderful

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening

me: *nodding* ghosts

handyman: …this screw is loose

me: ah.

handyman:

me:

handyman:

me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.

“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.

ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]