Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar