Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference