Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
Finally!
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.