Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
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Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees