Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
live long and prosper!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.