Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

a fool and his money are hey new iphone

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.

I remember when yoga was called Twister.

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

gentlemen, hear me out

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.