Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.