Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?

Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…

Barber: What would you like today?

Me: Make me look attractive.

Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.

It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird

Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…

I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?

Jesus: *In disguise* sure

JW: He’s lame

J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.

ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it

My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her

Yup….perfect score!

Many hands make light work