Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
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Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.