“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.