“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.