Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
is he marrying that labradoodle
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
