Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
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I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
the short answer to this question
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.