Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
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Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
How actors in movies eat their food
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW