Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me

aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.

honestly, i need both:

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.

I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale

The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal