Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
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Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?