Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
You Might Also Like
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
it was a valiant fight
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I slept like a baby, knowing I’m a burden to everyone around me
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
This is the coolest video you will see today.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
the saddest jazz hands ever
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.