Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.

Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…

Nope, no thank you.

I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Anyone: Loose lips sink ships

Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.

Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.

They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.

I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.

oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot