Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
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Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
You know the hurricane is serious when even SpongeBob and Gary are evacuating
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
☠️ ☠️
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.