Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: May I recommend the steak?

Dracula: You may not

Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.

they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup

Rich people don’t understand cereal

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

therapist: what’s on your mind

me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*