Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener

Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

*hands you baby*

Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

KID: Dad?

DAD: Yes, son

KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?

DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-

KID: Never mind

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.

[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there

Never deleting this app.

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire

Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.