Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.