Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge