Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

Aw man, but that’s the best part

can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.

(you can unfollow me at anytime)

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready

Shit: bowel movement

Sh t: vowel movement
i

I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence

*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”

*emotional* yes?

*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*

Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”

Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”

What do you call people that use the “Rhythm Method” of birth control?

Parents.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

My background check bounced.

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT