Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
You Might Also Like
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
sleeping beauty
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.